I Am Terrified

I just recently went back and reread most of my last blog I posted on July 22 and it made me realize how terrified I am of life right now...


Terrified because I don't know where I will be in six months.  I am not sure what I will be doing, where I will be living, or who I will know.  Those simple facts terrify me.  But with that terror comes the hands of true freedom.  I have no strings.  No promises to keep.  No emotions to hurt with my leaving.  No person or persons to stick around for due to the fear of losing their friendship.  I am free to move and be where ever I need to be.


Please do not misconstrue my last statements to mean that I have no friends or no one that I will miss because that is as far from the truth as possible.  I will miss playing open mic nights with my best man Dan Breazelle, jamming on the guitar and piano with Zach Miller, driving a standard with Michael Plette, playing ultimate with Craig Turner and Andy Pendergrass, riding bikes with Dylan Jason and Stephen Mire, playing Munchkin with Dave Awalt, and living in the Brotel with my boys Emile Frey and Logan Dugard.  I love these guys.  They are my friends.  I would do anything for them and they me.   I will miss them dearly if I am to move away in six months or so, but I believe they would want me to and wouldn't have it any other way.  I hope that clears up any misunderstanding.  


I would also like to add a side-note that I am crying right now thinking back over so many fond memories with those guys.  So many laughs, tears, scares, and nights that we wish we could forget.  Memories...


I feel that they best way to describe the emotions I am feeling right now is the breath directly before a cry of pure joy.  You are overwhelmed with emotion, you feel your eyes watering, you are constantly pulling up memories of happiness, you begin to get short of breath, and then it hits you like cold water suddenly thrown on your back.  You heave one long-lasting breath in hopes to try and suppress the feelings that are taking over your entire self right now, but you are useless against it and you begin to pull in quick attempts to find your breath.  Tears begin to flow and you finally surrender to it.  You cry long and you cry hard.  You aren't worried with whats happening around you or who is watching.  You are experiencing pure joy and you don't care who knows it.


We have all had this experience so everyone can understand where I am right now.  To quote my last blog I am about to begin "breathing deep."  Because a life full of short breaths is one not worth living.  But with deep breaths comes the terrifying feeling of not knowing what is coming around the corner.  


I hope everyone has just realized the circular relationship occurring here.  It's amazing.


I would like to end this post with a passage that has been spoken true in my life over the past few months.  Paul has just finished speaking on the salvation of Christ and how glorious it is and then says this, "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love."    - 1 Peter 1:6-8.  


This is the God I praise.